Dear Elon Musk,

When a crew of astronauts took off on the first commercial spaceship flight to the International Space Station in May 2020, I really felt that. That in the middle of one of the most chaotic years on Planet Earth, these men could simply pack their little space bags and depart for the stars, courtesy of SpaceX—the audacity! The very nerve rocked me to my core! Now I’ve seen what you can do for others, and I want in.

This is what has led me to write to you today: On this public platform, I would like to respectfully request a ticket to board Mars One, so that I may shoot myself off of this wretched planet and enjoy a totally sick getaway on a new, cooler one. I’ve done a lot of thinking and believe you will find I am sufficiently qualified for the journey (or at least more qualified than Tom Cruise, probably). Here is why:

1. I am not afraid of heights: Key for mental stability while blazing out of Earth’s atmosphere and watching everything you’ve ever known dwindle away into the vastness of space and become a tiny little insignificant dot on the distant horizon.

2. I won’t make you stop for too many bathroom breaks: The journey is only like, seven months, and I’m pretty good at holding it.

3. I am great at giving directions: As a seasoned car trip pro, I will be able to tell if we should turn left or right at the next asteroid with ease. (But in exchange for my services, I do want to ride shotgun.)

4. I will absolutely kill it in a spacesuit: No further explanation necessary.

Below, I’ve outlined more of my past experiences with travel (terrestrial, not interplanetary), as well as what other skills I could bring to the team. Thanks so much, and looking forward to joining the crew.

Best,

Tiana Attride

Assistant Editor, Here Magazine

How to get the most out of your trip to outer space →

I Don’t Require Much Space

Seeing as beggars can’t be choosers, I’m happy to cram myself into whatever sleeping pod or cryogenic chamber will have me, much like I’ll gladly cram myself into a 2-inch seat on Frontier Airlines if it means I’ll save a hundred bucks. (As a multi-billionaire, I’m sure you relate.) Once we’ve landed on Mars, I’m looking forward to settling into my quaint Martian home, only to later deck it out with scented candles and a record player and rent it out for $455,000/night on Airbnb.

Interplanetary Fare

One time in Girl Scouts, we got to try astronaut food, so I know what to expect for meals onboard the good ol’ Mars Express and have tempered my expectations accordingly. Also, I’ve seen the plans for the Martian greenhouses, and feel confident in my ability to assist in growing our colony’s food. I’m very active on plant TikTok and have several helpful videos saved. You’re welcome.

More odd adventures in the Bermuda Triangle →

Who Needs Wi-Fi When There’s Space Rocks

After 2020, I would much prefer to have an existential crisis while staring at some nice space rocks than at my Twitter feed. Plus, as an early pioneer of Martian domestic travel, I’ll also consider leading guided tours to see the Mars Rover—perhaps the most important (and definitely the only) landmark on all of the Great Red Planet.